Restlessness is a very familiar state of mind for me. I've been that way most of my life but recently something changed profoundly.
It was night time on a saturday and I was home alone. I'm certainly not against having fun and most certainly still long for it but one of the annoying side effects of spiritual growth is that you outgrow certain aspects of pleasure because you're just not in that head space anymore. However, just because you outgrow something doesn't necessarily mean you stop longing for it. That night was such a night and it was just as familiar to me as my restlessness.
That night my restlessness hit an all time peak. I was SO FED UP with not having a personal life, not having a love life, not having more opportunities for fun. A part of me had known for quite a few years that my life had gone through an incredible awakening and I most certainly had outgrown the wild self-indulgent years of my late 20's, early 30's. Sometimes I was at peace with it, other times like that night I was ready to crawl out of my skin.
I grunted in frustration, grabbed my coat, and stormed out the door. I was going to go to a club that I've been to many times before. Perhaps I could find some distraction there. I stomped down Christopher Street, crossed 7th Avenue, and was about to descend into the uptown subway station when suddenly something abruptly stopped me at the stairs. It was my intuition. My intuition had grown in strength over the years so I knew it when I felt it. It literally grabbed a hold of my legs and stopped me from going into the subway. The absolute definitiveness of it's message to not get on the subway was so complete I knew I had no choice but to not argue with it. It still pissed me off.
I grunted in frustration again. My mind started to rationalize. Perhaps going to that club would be too expensive.....I'll walk to a local bar and find some relief there. I started walking up 7th avenue. No more than a block up and I heard my intuition again, "No Simon you will not go to that bar." Again it stopped me in it's tracks. I sighed in frustration and leaned up against a wall. Now what? I just stood there actually waiting for my intuition to give me further instructions. I sighed again and just gave in, "Screw this I'm just going back home."
As I walked back home that's when I felt a shift. I stopped and looked around the street that I lived on and suddenly noticed how beautiful it looked. The weather was pleasant and the spirit on the street seemedly lively. I always loved this street due to it's array of shops and colorful people but tonight seemed especially pleasing. My heart was acknowleding a lovely gratitude for this moment. I then went back to my co-op. I'm usually used to a winding down period everytime I come back to my apartement after a stressful experience but there was none. As I sat in on my couch I could feel a peace and freedom radiate in my being. It was then I knew what was happening. I was completely in the moment.
This was the lesson of that night. My mind and ego was always projecting an expectation that took me out of the moment. I always ran down a list of why this moment wasn't enough - I don't have this, I don't have that, I'm not happy enough, I don't have a love life....ANYTHING is better than this moment. But that night my mind/ego finally ran out of things to project.
At times I saw it as a scarey thing to be completely in the moment. I feared that if I did I was somehow irresponsible to a better planning of my future. I now see more for what it is - Fear creating an illusion that diminished the power of being completely in the moment. For one's power in never expressed more radiantly than this moment.
As I look back I still see I need some practice with this state of being. But now in my heart a deeper reassurance is sparked that I am exactly where the Divine needs me to be. The full embracing of What Is.