Sunday, February 16, 2014

What "Is"

Restlessness is a very familiar state of mind for me.  I've been that way most of my life but recently something changed profoundly.

It was night time on a saturday and I was home alone.    I'm certainly not against having fun and most certainly still long for it but one of the annoying side effects of spiritual growth is that you outgrow certain aspects of pleasure because you're just not in that head space anymore.  However, just because you outgrow something doesn't necessarily mean you stop longing for it.  That night was such a night and it was just as familiar to me as my restlessness.

That night my restlessness hit an all time peak.  I was SO FED UP with not having a personal life, not having a love life, not having more opportunities for fun.  A part of me had known for quite a few years that my life had gone through an incredible awakening and I most certainly had outgrown the wild self-indulgent years of my late  20's, early 30's.  Sometimes I was at peace with it, other times like that night I was ready to crawl out of my skin.

I grunted in frustration, grabbed my coat, and stormed out the door.  I was going to go to a club that I've been to many times before. Perhaps I could find some distraction there.  I stomped down Christopher Street, crossed 7th Avenue, and was about to descend into the uptown subway station when suddenly something abruptly stopped me at the stairs.  It was my intuition.  My intuition had grown in  strength over the years so I knew it when I felt it.  It literally grabbed a hold of my legs and stopped me from going into the subway.  The absolute definitiveness of it's message to not get on the subway was so complete I knew I had no choice but to not argue with it.  It still pissed me off.

I grunted in frustration again.  My mind started to rationalize.  Perhaps going to that club would be too expensive.....I'll walk to a local bar and find some relief there.  I started walking up 7th avenue.  No more than a block up and I heard my intuition again, "No Simon you will not go to that bar."  Again it stopped me in it's tracks.  I sighed in frustration and leaned up against a wall.  Now what?  I just stood there actually waiting for my intuition to give me further instructions.  I sighed again and just gave in, "Screw this I'm just going back home."

As I walked back home that's when I felt a shift.  I stopped and looked around the street that I lived on and suddenly noticed how beautiful it looked.  The weather was pleasant and the spirit on the street seemedly lively. I always loved this street due to it's array of shops and colorful people  but tonight seemed especially pleasing.  My heart was acknowleding a lovely gratitude for this moment.  I then went back to my co-op.  I'm usually used to a winding down period everytime I come back to my apartement after a stressful experience but there was none.  As I sat in on my couch I could feel a peace and freedom radiate in my being.  It was then I knew what was happening.  I was completely in the moment. 

This was the lesson of that night.  My mind and ego was always projecting an expectation that took me out of the moment.  I always ran down a list of why this moment wasn't enough -  I don't have this, I don't have that, I'm not happy enough, I don't have a love life....ANYTHING is better than this moment.  But that night my mind/ego finally ran out of things to project.

At times I saw it as a scarey thing to be completely in the moment. I feared that if I did I was somehow irresponsible to a better planning of my future.  I now see more for what it is - Fear creating an illusion that diminished the power of being completely in the moment.  For one's power in never expressed more radiantly than this moment.  

As I look back I still see I need some practice with this state of being.  But now in my heart a deeper reassurance is sparked that I am exactly where the Divine needs me to be.  The full embracing of What Is.  

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Twin Flame

Your love is like the river
Turbulent and cleansing
While I am the stone
that the river smoothes of all it's imperfections
No resentment of it's turbulence
can deny the blessedness of it's refinement
I surrender to the river
I surrender to my Oneness

Emily - A Poem

I experienced the treasures of your heart
I said they were hidden deep within a cave
Buried under the soft rich earth
I always sought to find those treasures
Digging deeply to gaze upon it's beauty again and again
Was I selfish to want to bring these treasures to the light of day?
Did I ask too much of this request?
Such richness inspired me but they were never mine
I regret  I could not appreciate the wisdom
Of how you held them in so cautiously
Yet you allowed me into these buried chambers
And within these chambers I could feel that I was home
The earth lovingly sang to me your name
And in that moment I knew that you were kin
I put your hand to my heart to feel the witness
Of my heart glowing in the radiance of this recognition
But when Light shines so bright
Comes the fear that Light will be taken away
And I was afraid
My fear forgot the sacredness of your hidden treasures
For that I am truly sorry
And seeing your face in a picture 
I could tell your face was glowing
No bitterness could deny the gratitude
That perhaps you shared more of your treasures with the world
Yet I am not there to share it with you.
I now see your buried treasures and how they mirrored mine
My treasures I did not wish to hide away
And from the glowing brilliance your heart inspired
A wall came down
A wall of tears and stoic bad habits
And all of a sudden I stepped forth into mystery
No answers certain
Except  of a deep and profound surrender
And the infinite silence that it brings
You brought me to that silence

I will always love you for it.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Meditation and Flow

I did my meditation tonight.  I should definitely do more on a weekly basis. Though my meditation is sporadic, when I return to it I see that each meditation is not the same as the last one.  It slowly brings more into my awareness.

Focusing at times is hard and I find myself thinking about something else like a TV episode or a past memory.  I've learned to just take a deep breath and re-center myself, allowing the thoughts to flow out.  At times the thoughts surge back and I find myself getting discouraged and feel like I'm not doing it right.  Meditations in the past have taught me not to resist these feelings for they truly are part of the meditation.   I am brought to a place of mental exhaustion and that's where I feel the part of my mind or ego that holds resistence.  I go deeper into that resistence, it begins to disapate, and soon I feel a flow of light and freedom envelop my being.

I recall Adyashanti and other spiritual teachers say to never assume you can control the transending of the mind or ego.  True transcendance is when you let go of the mind and the ego's resistence wears itself out on it's own.  Those moments in meditation when I feel the light and freedom are those moments when I allow my mind to step back and Being comes forth in surrender and openness.  

When you choose to go into awakening  your whole reality goes to those places where the mind and ego can wear itself out.  Only when the mind and ego is brought to the ultimate brink of  biting, scratching and striving can one find that surrender into Oneness.  However, thanks to the healing and meditation I've done that place of surrender and accpetance has become easier.   Not all surrender has to be hard when you've learned to hold that freedom within your heart.  Each obstacles becomes easier to transcend because you have become more a part of that divine flow.  You flow with your obstacles, not against them. 

Right now I'm in the middle of transcending my resistence regarding fear.  I'm not all the way out but thanks to tonights meditation I'm back within that flow and feel pointed in the right direction. 

Friday, May 11, 2012

Random Books

I was recently in the New Age section of the Barnes & Noble at Union Square.  Their New Age section is not the most impressive but then again when is it? ;-)  Two men entered the section and started talking about the quality of the books.  I overheard one of the men say, "You're defintiely not going to find books here with any good answers."  It's very easy to assume that, especially with Barnes & Noble.  When we think of B&N we usually think of slick main stream books with less quality for good reading.  Yet I was somehow turned off by the snobbery of this man.  In the past I played a fun little game with myself.  I would find a book and open it up at random.  The lines I found myself reading were definitely related to an issue I was going through at the time.  This game was inspired by the book, "A Guide For The Advanced Soul" by Susan Hayward.  The book literally instructed you to open the book at random and there would be a quote on the page you opened to that would have your answer from the Universe.  

After I heard that man's comment I challenged myself.  "These books have no real answers ay?" I thought to myself...   I let my intuition grab a book from the shelf and opened it at "random"  Low and behold the lines on the paragraph I let my eyes rest on had a great insight on an issue I was going through at that present moment.  I regret to say I don't remember the quote.  

However! In the spirit of the book, "A Guide For The Advance Soul" I will now go to my own bookshelf,  choose a book, open it up at random and write in my blog what I read.  One sec.....

"Knowing is a divine state, yet the grandest joy is in being.  Being is achieved only after experiencing.  The evolution is this: knowing, experiencing, being.  This is the Holy Trinity - the Triune that is God." - Conversations With God, Vol. 1

Yes, many times I have meditated on this state of "Being"  The only thing I truly "know" about it from my "experience" is that it transcends mind on a very profound level.  Such a state of Being resonates deep within your soul and radiates outward as if you are completely melding with everything in life around you.  I experienced this just recently at my group healing at Nurtured Spirits in Warwick, NY.  I gave a powerful group healing and afterward I had a wonderful discussion and intuitive counsel with all the people who attended.  I felt so confident and in the moment.  It was a true and blessed zen moment.  :-)

So it would seem the Universe wishes me to meditate more on this particular issue.  The memory of the state of Being I experienced at the group healing resonates in my heart as I write. This I sense is no coincidence.  It's a reminder that the wonderful Beingness I felt in Warwick is my most truest and Highest Self and I should strive more to embody that in my everyday life.  

For those of you who may be inspired to play the game of "Random Books" my only advice is to trust yourself.  To open a book and find a quote that's exactly for you requires putting your mind and doubts aside and letting your intuition do the walking.  It may take some practice.  Good luck and blessings to you!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

My Creative Block

After I graduated from The School Of Visual Arts in 1998 my creative block began to creep up all around me to the point where I couldn't even look at a canvas anymore.  I thought, "What's the point?" This block was the accumulation of a lot of disillusioning and disheartening art classroom experiences that went all the way back to grade school

Two months ago I proceeded to do a full protocol Vortex Healing® on the issue of creativity.  The outcome of the healing felt quite subtle but slowly began to gain momentum over time.  I now realize it's important for me to remember what I appreciate about art in the present before I can move forward.  

One thing the healing has brought up is my anger towards a particular grade school art teacher.  I don't remember her name but I will certainly never forget her.  She was a strict and angry women.  She cared more about enforcing order in her classroom than she did inspiring her students.  I recall the first day of class she proceeded to lecture the students with a stern and joyless tone, raising her voice abruptly at times to let the kids know she meant business.  I disliked her immediately. One time I tried to leave class without cleaning up my art supplies.  She didn't just order me back into the classroom, she proceded to scream and scream and scream at me all throughout the time I cleaned up my table.  She purposefully stopped the whole class in it's tracks so all the kids could witness my humiliation.  It makes me angry to this day.  

However, I recall another time in class that was different.  I was doing my artwork as usual when the teacher came by to look at it.  At that moment her pinched angry face lit up into a smile.  "That's really nice!" she said in a positive tone that sounded almost alien. I could see she was really impressed with what I had created.   

The healing I've done on myself has helped me to appreciate that moment.  I must remember that the best of who you are shines most brightly during times of such adversity.

My talent for art must certainly mean something if I can make a hardened bitch like that art teacher smile with appreciation.   ;-)

Friday, August 5, 2011

Reaching Towards Forgiveness

I've wanted to write this for a while...

My path towards forgiving those who have hurt me has been a challenging one.  The path of forgiveness is supposed to be hard at times for when one finally attains it the rewards are far greater than one could ever imagine.  Yet, before forgiveness comes anger.  Anger at times becomes incidious and convinces us we are justified in holding onto our pain and to forgive would almost be a sign of weakness.  We can think of many people in our lives we hold that belief towards.  Someone who has so grieviously hurt and betrayed us that our perception on them turns downright villianous.  A former friendly acquaintance of mine came to me for a healing who was most definitely under the stigma of that perception.  I will call him George.

George was the ex of a dear friend of mine.  I will call her Nancy.  My impressionn of George for the majority of the time was a laid back hippie dude with a gentle demeanor.  I eventually began to see the laid back personality was an effective facade that held deep repression of unresolved hurt and rage.  George would come to me for an occasional healing at the request of Nancy who was also a client.  From what I recall the healings helped him to get more in touch with his emotions that he was severely detached from.  It was hard for him to integrate those feelings at times considering the amount of anger he was sitting on.  That anger eventually came to a climax that cost George his relationship with Nancy.

I wont go too much into detail. The relationship ended where George lost his temper to the point of becoming violent.  Nancy had experienced his violent temper in the past but this time it became the last straw.  Soon after the messy break up George called me to schedule another healing.

This put me in a dilima.  If George wasn't also a client I would probably have pushed him away completely for what he did to Nancy.  But George was a client and as a healer I could not deny him a healing.  I had many clients before him come to me in desperate need of releasing the guilt and remorse they held for hurting the people they loved.  George now became one of those clients.  The experience still tested my objectivity.  I wondered if my anger toward George would manifest itself on the table and not allow the healing energy to flow through me.  

The issue George and I chose to focus on during his session was self-love.  And rightly so!  After such a painful breakup George's self-esteem was completely shattered with certainly no sympathy coming to him from any direction.  It was during this healing I viewed something so profound that to this day I consider it a true divine blessing to witness.

As George lay on my table I felt the presence of Christ envelop over him.  I once considered myself a Christian so I had no trouble identifying His divine presence.  His essence radiated over Paul with a beautiful golden warmth full of gentleness and unconditional love. The essence of Christ began to pluck out of George's system little bits of "sin." Or perhaps removing pieces from George's soul filled with darkness and guilt.  

I have witnessed many spirit guides and dieties that acually assist during healing sessions but this will always stand out as the most memorable.  Many people will consider George's actions to be beyond forgiveness but on that day the presence of Christ was there to say this was not so.  From where the Divine stands no one is beyond forgiveness.  Forgiveness becomes so hard to reach for the walls of hurt and anger stand stubbornly against it.  It is then the divine must lend a hand to break down those walls to bring you to the next level.  I remember Susan Sarandon's character from the movie, "Dead Man Walking" say a line that I have always remembered.  "There are some spaces of sorrow that only God can touch." I understand the hurt and isolation one feels when one is in a state of not forgiving.  The Universe has tremendous compassion for this state and will always say to you, "It's ok if you can't do this on your own.  Surrender your hurt and anger to Me and I will take it for you."  

I haven't heard from George in a long time.  My personal feelings will always hold him accountable for his actions.  I cannot deny, however, what I witnessed on that table.  The truth is the Divine showed me that George is not beyond forgiveness.  So as I look upon people who are perceived with nothing but distain and contempt I can't help but be reminded they too are not beyond forgiveness. Such a concept may be hard for some people to believe and I don't blame them.   I too have held terrible rage in my heart for those who have hurt me.  Yet in those moments I allow myself the space to feel that anger and ever so slowly surrender that hurt to the Divine.  It's ok if the process is slow.  The Divine is eternally patient towards our process.  As I said, the path of forgiveness is at times hard for when one finally attains it, the rewards are far greater than one could ever imagine.