I did my meditation tonight. I should definitely do more on a weekly basis. Though my meditation is sporadic, when I return to it I see that each meditation is not the same as the last one. It slowly brings more into my awareness.
Focusing at times is hard and I find myself thinking about something else like a TV episode or a past memory. I've learned to just take a deep breath and re-center myself, allowing the thoughts to flow out. At times the thoughts surge back and I find myself getting discouraged and feel like I'm not doing it right. Meditations in the past have taught me not to resist these feelings for they truly are part of the meditation. I am brought to a place of mental exhaustion and that's where I feel the part of my mind or ego that holds resistence. I go deeper into that resistence, it begins to disapate, and soon I feel a flow of light and freedom envelop my being.
I recall Adyashanti and other spiritual teachers say to never assume you can control the transending of the mind or ego. True transcendance is when you let go of the mind and the ego's resistence wears itself out on it's own. Those moments in meditation when I feel the light and freedom are those moments when I allow my mind to step back and Being comes forth in surrender and openness.
When you choose to go into awakening your whole reality goes to those places where the mind and ego can wear itself out. Only when the mind and ego is brought to the ultimate brink of biting, scratching and striving can one find that surrender into Oneness. However, thanks to the healing and meditation I've done that place of surrender and accpetance has become easier. Not all surrender has to be hard when you've learned to hold that freedom within your heart. Each obstacles becomes easier to transcend because you have become more a part of that divine flow. You flow with your obstacles, not against them.
Right now I'm in the middle of transcending my resistence regarding fear. I'm not all the way out but thanks to tonights meditation I'm back within that flow and feel pointed in the right direction.