Tuesday, August 30, 2011

My Creative Block

After I graduated from The School Of Visual Arts in 1998 my creative block began to creep up all around me to the point where I couldn't even look at a canvas anymore.  I thought, "What's the point?" This block was the accumulation of a lot of disillusioning and disheartening art classroom experiences that went all the way back to grade school

Two months ago I proceeded to do a full protocol Vortex Healing® on the issue of creativity.  The outcome of the healing felt quite subtle but slowly began to gain momentum over time.  I now realize it's important for me to remember what I appreciate about art in the present before I can move forward.  

One thing the healing has brought up is my anger towards a particular grade school art teacher.  I don't remember her name but I will certainly never forget her.  She was a strict and angry women.  She cared more about enforcing order in her classroom than she did inspiring her students.  I recall the first day of class she proceeded to lecture the students with a stern and joyless tone, raising her voice abruptly at times to let the kids know she meant business.  I disliked her immediately. One time I tried to leave class without cleaning up my art supplies.  She didn't just order me back into the classroom, she proceded to scream and scream and scream at me all throughout the time I cleaned up my table.  She purposefully stopped the whole class in it's tracks so all the kids could witness my humiliation.  It makes me angry to this day.  

However, I recall another time in class that was different.  I was doing my artwork as usual when the teacher came by to look at it.  At that moment her pinched angry face lit up into a smile.  "That's really nice!" she said in a positive tone that sounded almost alien. I could see she was really impressed with what I had created.   

The healing I've done on myself has helped me to appreciate that moment.  I must remember that the best of who you are shines most brightly during times of such adversity.

My talent for art must certainly mean something if I can make a hardened bitch like that art teacher smile with appreciation.   ;-)

Friday, August 5, 2011

Reaching Towards Forgiveness

I've wanted to write this for a while...

My path towards forgiving those who have hurt me has been a challenging one.  The path of forgiveness is supposed to be hard at times for when one finally attains it the rewards are far greater than one could ever imagine.  Yet, before forgiveness comes anger.  Anger at times becomes incidious and convinces us we are justified in holding onto our pain and to forgive would almost be a sign of weakness.  We can think of many people in our lives we hold that belief towards.  Someone who has so grieviously hurt and betrayed us that our perception on them turns downright villianous.  A former friendly acquaintance of mine came to me for a healing who was most definitely under the stigma of that perception.  I will call him George.

George was the ex of a dear friend of mine.  I will call her Nancy.  My impressionn of George for the majority of the time was a laid back hippie dude with a gentle demeanor.  I eventually began to see the laid back personality was an effective facade that held deep repression of unresolved hurt and rage.  George would come to me for an occasional healing at the request of Nancy who was also a client.  From what I recall the healings helped him to get more in touch with his emotions that he was severely detached from.  It was hard for him to integrate those feelings at times considering the amount of anger he was sitting on.  That anger eventually came to a climax that cost George his relationship with Nancy.

I wont go too much into detail. The relationship ended where George lost his temper to the point of becoming violent.  Nancy had experienced his violent temper in the past but this time it became the last straw.  Soon after the messy break up George called me to schedule another healing.

This put me in a dilima.  If George wasn't also a client I would probably have pushed him away completely for what he did to Nancy.  But George was a client and as a healer I could not deny him a healing.  I had many clients before him come to me in desperate need of releasing the guilt and remorse they held for hurting the people they loved.  George now became one of those clients.  The experience still tested my objectivity.  I wondered if my anger toward George would manifest itself on the table and not allow the healing energy to flow through me.  

The issue George and I chose to focus on during his session was self-love.  And rightly so!  After such a painful breakup George's self-esteem was completely shattered with certainly no sympathy coming to him from any direction.  It was during this healing I viewed something so profound that to this day I consider it a true divine blessing to witness.

As George lay on my table I felt the presence of Christ envelop over him.  I once considered myself a Christian so I had no trouble identifying His divine presence.  His essence radiated over Paul with a beautiful golden warmth full of gentleness and unconditional love. The essence of Christ began to pluck out of George's system little bits of "sin." Or perhaps removing pieces from George's soul filled with darkness and guilt.  

I have witnessed many spirit guides and dieties that acually assist during healing sessions but this will always stand out as the most memorable.  Many people will consider George's actions to be beyond forgiveness but on that day the presence of Christ was there to say this was not so.  From where the Divine stands no one is beyond forgiveness.  Forgiveness becomes so hard to reach for the walls of hurt and anger stand stubbornly against it.  It is then the divine must lend a hand to break down those walls to bring you to the next level.  I remember Susan Sarandon's character from the movie, "Dead Man Walking" say a line that I have always remembered.  "There are some spaces of sorrow that only God can touch." I understand the hurt and isolation one feels when one is in a state of not forgiving.  The Universe has tremendous compassion for this state and will always say to you, "It's ok if you can't do this on your own.  Surrender your hurt and anger to Me and I will take it for you."  

I haven't heard from George in a long time.  My personal feelings will always hold him accountable for his actions.  I cannot deny, however, what I witnessed on that table.  The truth is the Divine showed me that George is not beyond forgiveness.  So as I look upon people who are perceived with nothing but distain and contempt I can't help but be reminded they too are not beyond forgiveness. Such a concept may be hard for some people to believe and I don't blame them.   I too have held terrible rage in my heart for those who have hurt me.  Yet in those moments I allow myself the space to feel that anger and ever so slowly surrender that hurt to the Divine.  It's ok if the process is slow.  The Divine is eternally patient towards our process.  As I said, the path of forgiveness is at times hard for when one finally attains it, the rewards are far greater than one could ever imagine.